HOW SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
The world has turned and left me here.
Age 28, Male
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Manila
Joined on 3/9/07
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Comments
YES
ending redo it now go
maaaaaybe
OK, a few comments:
Firstly a lot of it reads like a list. That is likely down to a couple of things: you start a lot of sentences with the same word (I), and use very short sentence structure often. As a rule of thumb I try to never have consecutive sentences start with the same word, it helps it flow and prevents this feeling of simply reading a list of events. Also there is some repetition of words that could be worked on with a thesaurus- try using different descriptions rather than repeating the same ones.
Beyond that I feel far too much happens. An entire lifetime seems to fly by in so few words, and as such it suffers from a lack of description of each part. Rather than such a long plot, develop small parts of it and focus on them (Almost the exact opposite if the criticism you gave my story, so perhaps this is more a personal preference than anything and you can ignore me!).
I also thought it would have been clever to have it end where it started, with him still in his room not doing anything in life, simply dreaming of the possibilities. Perhaps a more meaningful ending than the one you have at the moment?
Generally speaking a good and original idea though. Good work!
Thanks, I'll try and do some editing
FatKidWitAJetPak
PEDO JOKE LOL